Lockdown Lovelife

The lockdown has unequivocally altered the sex lives of almost everyone on planet earth.  Whether you are single or in a relationship or poly or any shade in between, this thing is affecting you. Some of us are in deep with another person. Hunkering down in a way that maybe we wouldn’t have otherwise. Some of us are alone during all this. No human touch at all. Some new relationships turn steadfast and old relationships dismember completely. Or vice versa. But as someone who was just out there fucking, trying to find a good fit, it fundamentally altered my metropolitan polyamorous life. 

I started this thing with several options. Mid March I am seeing Larry, Leo and Koel. I was giving Larry the most time in the days leading up to the lockdown. He lives the closest (Baldwin Hills), is the newest, and has the most potential. 45, divorced, works in space tech. We go on our first date the Monday before they shut down the bars. We have instant chemistry, but I’m not ready to get naked with him that night. So we make out like teenagers in the cul de sac outside my house. He is 6’5, and he lifts me up by my haunches and presses me against the side of his truck so our mouths can meet. He is strong as he is big, and I am thrilled in his arms. All the time he is talking to me in this low voice.

“Oh, you’re sexy, girl. You like when your man picks you up?” Then he whispers in my ear, “Wait till you see my dick. It’s thick. You are going to beg me for it.” 

I do like a guy who talks sexy to me. Even if the “your man” bit was a little corny. And I am definitely curious about this thick dick. 

Thursday we fuck for real at his place. We start on the couch and quickly I am topless, riding his lap. He pinches my nipples and asks if he can do it hard. I say yes. He keeps pinching them and sucking on them till I think they might pop off.

“Give me that little tit,” he says and sucks it all the way in. I’m squealing. He takes off his shirt.

“Pinch your man’s nipples,” he says in his vibrating bass. I almost laugh, but I do it. He starts to groan low. 

His dick is revealed to be in fact thick, but short. But perhaps thicker than it is long. Like a Coke can. It looks incongruous on him, considering his height, but damn if that fat little dick doesn’t make me come down my legs. 

We wake up in the morning to a new world. The state is about to go into lockdown is the word. He asks me if I’m prepared. Do I have dry goods, toilet paper?  I haven't gone shopping in weeks. And on my rainy drive home, every store I pass is a madhouse.

As the week goes from Safer at Home to Shelter in Place, I decide that everything that happened before this is bullshit and I have to reach out. I text my big ex, the vampire. I text Janet with whom I have fallen out, and H, who was my biggest heartache last year. I send them all the same text. 

-I hope you are doing OK in the lockdown. 

With a peace sign emoji. 

As far as I am concerned the olive branch is out and I don’t care if they return my text. This was for me to say I am at peace with you and I care about you and shit is too crazy to hold grudges. Everyone replies within a couple days and I let it all go.

I also check in with my other men, Leo wants me to come over, but he lives downtown and just the idea of going down there makes me feel all virusy. Besides, I know he is out there fucking too and I don’t have a clear lid on the number of others currently active. Koel and I Facetime and look at eachother like we want to make out. We just stare and sigh. He wants me to come over as well, but he lives in Thai town, has a roommate (who has a girlfriend), and I bet neither one of them are social distancing. He had a female friend over to do his hair just a day before, and I’m pretty sure he is fucking her too. Not that I’m jealous, but I don’t want the exposure. Too many humans in a house with one bathroom. 

Larry doesn’t text me for a week and when he does it’s just -Can you come over tonight? Really? In all this madness? I decide whatever his game is, I don’t want to play, and I tell him I am not interested in this relationship. If you can’t even bother to check in after sex, then I can’t bother with you.

Weeks go by. Texting Leo. Facetiming Koel. I’m being very good about staying in and keeping distance, but the loneliness really starts to hit as April runs on. My jaw is clenching while I sleep and my old pinched nerve is tightening up in my shoulder. As I near ovulation, I realize I will have to have sex soon or I will explode. Physical/sexual therapy is the only way I can deal with the anxiety of death all around. The invite from Leo stands, but I can’t justify going downtown. I tell Koel I am ready to break quarantine and get no response. Days go by and nothing. I think perhaps his other girlfriend moved in for the lockdown. I need a plan B.

Who would be safe? Who lives alone and close by and I know would deliver just what I need and be good enough that I won’t need it again until this is all over? It becomes clear I will have to contact Daddy. 

Daddy and I were hot and heavy last year at exactly this time. We had a Dom/Sub romance for a month, texting all the time, having great kinky sex twice a week, and then he tells me he has a girlfriend. I was devastated. Seeing other people isn’t a deal breaker for me, but lying about it is. In normal circumstances I wouldn’t bother with him. He lied to me and led me on and then chose his other girlfriend over me, after all. But I know he can fuck me good and I don’t have to put up a pretense with him. I know he will smack my ass the way I want, and open me up with that big dick. My jaw will unclench. My shoulder will drop. And He Will Go Down On Me. Oh Goddess, How He Will Go Down on Me. This is an emergency situation, and nothing is normal anymore.

I send him a message telling him that despite myself I have been thinking of him. Thinking about the last time we were together. He was using my vibrator on me. It’s one of the rabbit kinds and the shaft was all the way in and the little rabbit ears were holding my clitoirs and vibrating. He looked at my clit sitting there and then put his tongue on it, moving it like a snake over the little vibrating rabbit, trying to make me come even harder, and it worked. He responds in minutes that when he closes his eyes he can still smell me and taste my sweet pussy on his tongue. I’m wet from just reading it.

We check in about social distancing. He says he is spending the weeks alone and the weekends with the girlfriend. She is doing the same. That is safe enough for me. He wants me to come over on Monday. I say yes. 

When I get there he has a bottle of white wine open. I am so glad, because I don’t think I can get through this without a little alcohol. I am surprised that I feel no bitterness toward him at all. I thought maybe I would, but no. I feel light and free, and so attracted to him. Dammit, I forgot how sexy he is. And funny. And how much we have in common. I embrace him when we get quiet. I feel like he doesn’t know how to start, and wants me to make the first move. I wrap my arms around his neck and put our heads next to each other. We had crazy chemistry and I have to know if it is still active. Otherwise, there is no point in going through with this. It’s active, alright, and a little flame ignites in my stomach. 

Something about him is different though. He used to make me feel tiny, like a child in his arms, but now he is trembling when I touch him. I can feel it in his fingertips and lips. I am overwhelming him. With my eyes closed, I see myself shining and him basking in my light. 

We kiss and our fires unite.  Within minutes we are both naked. 

“I want you to lay down, and spread those legs. Let me see that pretty pussy before I eat it,” he says, gaining back his old demeanor. He takes my thighs in his hands and opens them wide, then pushes them up towards my armpits, so I spread completely open.

“That’s what I want to see,” he says. I am squirming as he buries his face where I am split and makes smacking sounds like he is at a pie eating contest. He grunts and sighs and tells me how good it is. After he has given me a beginner orgasm, he flips me over and eats my ass like a sundae. He pinches my clitoris in between two of his fingers while he takes great big bites out of the fat part of my backside. This is why I came here. This adoration. This utter devotion to my pleasure.

“You taste so good, baby,” he says, as I roll back over. 

“Then let me try some,” I say and we kiss deep. It’s true. My pussy tastes sweet on his mouth. I can’t get enough and I lick his lips like I am going down on them. I open my eyes and look down to find his great big dick fully erect. And what a beautiful sight it is! He claims his dick is 8 ½ inches. I swear it is bigger. I grab it with both hands, because one just isn’t enough, and he practically melts. 

I know she doesn’t get down with him like I do. That is the one flaw in their relationship, he claims. That’s why he is letting me use him tonight. Why our relationship last year got so intense, before he fessed up. He even told me she can’t take his whole dick and he can only put it in half way. I can take it though, and dammit I want it. 

But first I want something else. He is shocked when I make my way down to greet his big dick. I want to say hello. I have missed you. You were always my friend even when he was deceiving me. You never lie, are always honest with me. And I can see how much you missed me too. This is just for us. Not for him. And I kiss that cock right at the top of his fat head. Daddy whimpers as his dick and I get back together. I roll the tip of it around my tongue and get it good and wet. Then I wrap my lips around it and enclose it in darkness. I inch it down my throat so the really wet spit gets going. Using my hand on the shaft and my mouth on the head, I can feel it getting bigger and bigger. 

Daddy can’t wait another moment. He wants to fuck me now. He puts on a condom and tells me to lay on my back. 

“I want it like this first,” he says, “I want to feel you under me as I slide inside you.” 

I am tight at first and squeezing him hard as he puts in. He is getting excited, and I have to ask him to be gentle. Then my muscle walls relax and he gets all the way in. The orgasms start immediately. 

That is his thing. He wants to make me come over and over again. Loves the way my body moves like a wave under him. He takes breaks from fucking me to go down on me more. He can’t get enough, it seems. He wants me broken in two and oozing underneath him. 

“Oh, I love it,” he says.

If he loves it so much, why is he with her and not you? 

My mind is jumping in with logic in this moment of bliss. And my emotions are on board. They start ganging up on me, and I don’t appreciate it. 

He doesn’t love you. He didn’t choose you, when it came down to it.

I just want to enjoy this. Please. This isn’t about love; I need physical contact. But that little voice never leaves me. I am on all fours, and I press my face in the mattress so he can’t see my eyes get wet. I can’t believe I am crying. I just wanted to have orgasms, but the floodgates are open and I’m feeling everything now. Pleasure. Pain. Connection. Loss. Abundance and emptiness. 

Over the next hour, I keep looking him in the eye and really trying to see who he is. Is there anything inside of him at all? Yes the sex betwen us is exceptional. But I don’t really know him. She does though. She knows him and that is why he loves her and not me, and I can’t act like that isn’t real. I can’t do this fantasy with him. I couldn’t last year and I can’t right now. I want him to be my man. Or I wanted him to be. I would never trust him now. 

I go to the bathroom after to clean up, and realize I have to get out of there right away. I can’t stand this for one more second. I don’t even know her name, this woman he is betraying because I wanted to fuck him in a desperate moment. 

He’s just going to go back to her this weekend like nothing happened. Like everything is normal between them. He will deceive her and she will never know. How can one live with such duplicity? 

I start putting on my clothes as soon as I come out. Now, I am shaking a little. I am careful to get everything, so I won’t have to come back here. He wants a hug, so I hug him, but my heart is in my throat. I drink the last of the white wine by the bed to try and get it down, and then I leave. 

I cry as I fall asleep. Is this what I wanted? To feel like this and know I am nothing to him but a body to be used. To be fair that is what I was doing to him too, but I hadn’t expected all this emotion to come up. In the morning I text him, thanking him for the night before and saying we can’t do it anymore because of Her. 

-I can’t imagine what the two of you have is better than what we have, but if it is, don’t fuck it up by fucking me.

He responds with something that sounds like bullshit, I call him on it, and try to let the whole thing go.

I am crying when Koel Facetimes me that night. I wash my face and put on make up before I call him back. He tells me he didn’t respond to my text because he has a girlfriend now. I figured as much, but with the hurt of Daddy reopened I’m wondering why all these other girls are girlfriends and I am a side piece. Koel and I aren’t right for each other like that, I am aware, but still, why wasn’t I in the running? Was it just whoever showed up and the other girl showed up? Is that why Daddy likes his other woman more than me, because she showed up in his life first?

The day after that I get a text from H checking in on how I am doing. The timing is unreal. We start texting and he says if I ever want to go to the beach he has an extra parking spot, and near his place in the Marina there is a place you can sneak onto the beach. I want to go to the beach, and I want to see what he has to offer right now. 

When I see him, my stomach doesn’t quiver like it used to. This man with whom I have shared night after night of endless passion. This man who could control my body like a marionette and make me come remotely. This man that I have dreamed about and cried over and finally let go at the beginning of all this. We walk down the marina to the jedi and things feel ok. We talk for two hours and keep a relative social distance. 

His motive becomes clear. He invited me here to fuck. He hasn’t been with anyone since December, and he’s been locking down since mid March. He texted me because of our history and our chemistry, but he doesn’t want emotions or connection involved. I see it all so clearly. This is precisely what I attempted to do to Daddy days ago, but I was unable to keep it chemical.

“It would be hard for me to get naked with you right now,” I say, “It hurts too much when you leave me.” And I know he will. He always does. He can’t let things lie. He always has to end it dramatically. 

I drive home with tears in my eye, but feeling powerful. All these doors closing for good. The relationships I have been keeping for years are revealing themselves to be built on sand in this time of deep self reflection. Who knows, if it hadn’t gone down with Daddy the way it did, I could have been pulled back into the vortex with H. But I said no. And dammit, that feels really good.