Lucid Dreams

You know it drives me crazy when you do that. Just show up in my room as an energetic force. Your spirit gets on top of me, and you get in all the cracks. Last year when you would do that, I would be overjoyed to feel your energy arrive in my room. To have one of those quick squirms in my stomach while I feel you on me. But things are different now. 

I go through a year almost, not knowing if it is real or not, wondering if I’m crazy. Then you tell me it is real, but weeks later, you abandon me. This time I tell you to leave me alone. Don’t come back for a long while. Notice, I did not say don’t come back. But I want you to feel the pain of separation from me. So when you do come back, as you have before, you will appreciate who and what I am. You will bow to me as your submissive, and I will lay at your feet as my dominant. 

I never wanted anything more than to be taken by you. Taken forcefully from behind. Or when commanded to get on top and bounce. I wanted only to be on my knees in front of you with my hand on your cock and my mouth in your balls. 

I wanted to stick my tongue up your ass, but I knew you wouldn’t let me. One time you thought I was going to touch your asshole while we were fucking, and you got nervous. You stopped and chastised me. Don’t touch me there. I don’t like it. You said this to me as if I was a child, using your stern baritone, even though I have 11 years on you. And of course I respected your boundaries, as you have respected mine, always.

I never wanted to ask for more, until that night. That night in my room when I sat you in a chair and rode your dick for a half an hour. The two of us were dripping each other that night. We  smiled constantly and talked in our soft voices because we had come so many times. Hang on, I have a joint in my car, you said after, I want to smoke it with you. 

Then it all came out. You opened up to me about our energetic connection and conversations we have with our minds. You said you experienced them too, and I finally knew it was real. You told me how important I am to you. And how this thing that we do together is saving the world. We talked so much that night; it seemed like you wanted to get closer to me. Then I began to feel differently. I felt you wanting more, and then I wanted more, because I want what you want, because, as my natural master, your pleasure is my pleasure.

And then we went to that party and were together in public for the first time since the night we met, and then you were gone. Well not gone, I could have taken gone. But the childish breaking up was the worst. The it’s time to end this bullshit with no reason stated. The third time, buy the way. And once I did the same. So the fourth time. 

If you want out there is nothing I can do or would want to do about it. I am in no need of a man who is tired of me. I have plenty on my plate and no shortage of people who want me. I just don’t understand why. Why pull me in just to push me away? Were you not getting everything you wanted from me? I gave you my body in every way you could ask for. You gave me a command and I snapped to it. And you loved to make me come. How it pleased you! The encouragement you gave me for each rolling orgasm. The way your eyes would roll back when I was writhing beneath you. You better fucking come, you would say and it drove me crazy with pleasure.

I can understand that romances like ours are perilous. I can understand that you are afraid. This was a one night stand that somehow lasted a year, and wasn’t supposed to be anything serious. Isn’t that what you said that first time you texted me? You weren’t looking for anything serious? I guess you said that because you knew, even then, that there was nothing else that could be between us. Nothing but serious. Serious fucking. Serious connection.But maybe we just moved past our peak, and like junkies, were just trying to get the high back. I felt like that a little.

To be honest, I was going to cut it off with you before that talk in my bed. I heard a voice in my head a couple days before that. It said, clearly and emphatically,

I WANT TO BE LOVED.

The voice would not settle for anything else. And I thought, if you couldn’t give me love, I would have to end it with you shortly. And then all that bullshit talking in my bed, and I thought, maybe he wants to love me. And I reached out for the party and you came. And it felt like maybe we are ready to evolve. But we weren’t. You weren’t.

So maybe in a year or two we will re-find each other, maybe not. Maybe then I will be tired of being loved and want to be subjugated by you again. Maybe my book will be published and you will beg to see me. And maybe I’ll turn you away, or maybe I’ll make you go down on me first and worship my ass, before I bend over for you.

I have someone new, though, well someone old, but has come back in. The knick of time too. So don’t worry about me. I get all the dick I need, and he is bigger than you.  And he goes down on me all the time. HIs favorite thing is to 69. I choke on his dick while I shake with orgasm all over his face. Equal pleasure. 

It’s not like with you, though.  I never see the edge of the universe, and we cannot speak without words, but that is something you don’t find with everyone. I had never had it before. His bigger dick doesn’t fit me the way yours does,   But it seems like he wants to make something real with me. I don’t know what I want. I don’t know where it is going, and I am not one to push a situation, but it could be anything, and we are both ready to let it happen. So thank you, cause I would have been all attached to you as my primary and maybe not taken the love he has to give me. And I want to be loved. I am ready to be loved. I deserve to be loved. And god knows, you cannot give that to me.