Narcissist

  I know when people are interested in me, because I can feel them sending me their energy, their desire. I can tell when a man is getting an erection from my mere presence. I can tell when a woman has the first lesbian thought of her life talking to me in line for the bathroom at the bar. I can feel the vibration coming off them like the sound off the gong. I have been called a narcissist my entire life, and maybe they are right. I feel no need to hide who I am.

A friend of a friend once said about me, I love her, but I’m not bringing her around any men I like. This may have been because the one time she did, said man tried to fuck me while she was passed out drunk in front of us. I refused. If she had been awake and wanted us to do it in front of her, I would have. But the whole thing felt sleazy on his part to me, so I left. But still, I am blamed for this incident.

Some people really don’t like me. I know this to be true. I remember a very upper class friend of a friend snarling at me when I accepted his offer of more champagne. This at once accomplished him letting me know he did not like me, was not attracted to me, and was distinctly above me. A female friend of a friend threw eye daggers at me when I had the audacity to say something observant, witty, and hilarious in front of the man she was interested in. I would have said it regardless of him. I didn’t know being funny was a no no, but apparently it was threatening to her. She still holds a grudge.

At work in the restaurant, women clutch their husbands when I come to the table. They eye me from across the room. She’s going to fuck my man, they seem to be thinking or feeling more like, because most people are not conscious of their thoughts. They side eye me through the whole experience and stare around at the other waiters wishing they had gotten a different section. One yoga studio I taught at said I was too sexy and it was distracting. I’m pretty sure I laughed out loud in response. One time I was walking alone shopping down the main drag in Palm Springs and a woman saw me, looked me up and down, then grabbed her man’s hand and pulled him in the other direction. 

To be clear, I have never slept with a friends boyfriend in my adult life. Ot stolen a man or anything like that. When I was 18, I made out with a friend’s boyfriend, but only made out. And when I was 20 I cheated on my then husband, but that is not the same. I have been mostly monogamous in my relationships, but in the last three years that I have been on my own, I have been polyamorous and bisexual. I have allowed myself to do whatever feels right in the moment, as long as the vibe is good and everyone is a willing participant. I am sexually open to what comes my way, and I have no fear, guilt, or shame about any of it. I am having the time of my life. This has come with some backlash.

I have been told I throw my energy around, an accusation with no definition.  Yes, sometimes I do want to fuck someone and will put out that specific vibe, but sometimes I am just feeling myself and it gets taken as a come on. What can I do about that really? I am not totally responsible for other’s reactions and I’m not changing who I am. 

Also I must say, I am no great beauty. Though I am generally considered attractive, even for LA, even being over 40, I have never been regarded as beautiful or anything of the like. Sexy. For sure. Cute. Yes. But one of the beautiful people, never. Not in school, where beauty decided social class. Nor when I was a performer in my 20’s and 30’s, when being beautiful was really all you needed. I have never been rewarded for my beauty and in fact been reminded on several occasions (mostly by other females when they are drunk and regressing to mean girl mode) that I am in fact not beautiful. This has never stopped me from finding love, or dick, or companionship, however. And my narcissism is so great, it allows me to brush off any negative comments about my appearance. 

Which makes the general reaction to me so interesting. Why are so many women threatened by me? What do they think I am going to do? Why can’t we all just get along? 

My new lover said I am self centered. I say, Have I sold you a different product than that? I think it is clear from the get go that I am focused on myself. And should I not be? He is 10 years younger than me and we only met a month ago. Maybe he is used to women who throw everything away for him. 

I am not afraid to get what I want sexually, and maybe that is part of why he thinks I am self centered. Perhaps he has never dealt with a woman like me. I can make you forget everything and sink into the abyss of our skin. I will follow every path, encounter every delight, dwell in every dark place. I want it all in bed, and I can get it. And I will get you there too, don’t worry. So many of these young men I sleep with are so anxious to stick their dicks in, they do not know the many sidewinding ways to get to orgasm. I am currently teaching my new lover, and maybe he is not accustomed to being in that position. Young strong healthy men with eight inch dicks are used to calling the shots in bed. 

But I know what I want and how to get it, and I’m not going to act like I don’t to soothe your ego either. I want to forget the world in the two hours we spend together. There is so much hate and war and greed out there, I just want to be with another person and know we are fully present in this one loving moment. I want to feel as good as we can make each other feel. I want to be worshipped and worship you in return. The power of sex for healing our physical and soul bodies is real, and we should take advantage of it. 

Maybe that is the threat. A woman in control of her desires. A woman getting what she wants. A woman who understands the power of sex and can wield it. She’s so into herself. Practically a witch. If that is the case, let them be afraid. That is until they decide to join me.